Good things come to those who…
Aren’t afraid to stumble
And get back up
Face in the dirt
And make it back up on their feet again.
No one said following your dreams was easy.
The chapters of our life together.
The years spent loving and trying to find love in dark places.
In the beginning, we were just kids.
Kids in love.
Then we made kids out of love.
We went through phases.
Some phases longer than others.
Lost ourselves in this maze called life.
Growing in love together,
Then growing out of love together.
Now it’s reduced to 21 volumes.
21 red binders.
Everything we have, from time with kids –
To property division.
From text messages –
To old Christmas presents.
Our life reduced to 21 binders.
And I just keep thinking about how we got here,
And how beautiful it would be to watch the 21 binders burn.
I just want to light a match and watch it burn.
All the conversations with hidden meanings.
Thinking I knew but not really knowing.
Holding you arms distance away but watching your essence slowly slip into me.
I am lucky I took the blinders off.
Lucky it never went further than it did.
Whispers in the dark of what could be.
Compromising and not even knowing it.
I don’t know what it is.
How similar we are?
How me being half crazy has never scared you away?
How our chemistry is electric and could set fire to this room?
How unattainable you are?
I thought I wanted one thing.
or maybe I figured it was the only way I could have you.
Twisted in-between the sheets.
Oh how I long to be twisted and tangled up with you.
It’s more than that though.
I realize that now.
So of course I had to cut all ties.
You could never love me.
Hell you could never like me.
Foolish girl lust and love are so different.
I barely got out of this one.
Now all that’s left is silence.
We sit there silently next to one another.
I pretend you don’t exist,
and well you.. you pretend it doesn’t bother you.
The silent buzz of our bodies being that close, but unreachable.. I try and ignore it.
I don’t know how long this could possibly go on for..
but I do know I need to try and keep my distance.
will dull whatever it is my crazy heart thinks it wants.
If I hear about one more engagement… I am going to lose it.
Aren’t our twenties for exploring life and finding ourselves and what we want in a counterpart?
Slowly but surely each and every one of my good friends is slipping a ring on their ring finger.
I have to stand in an ugly dress and pretend to understand how they found that one person they are going to forever have sex with.
I know I am sounding cynical.
But I don’t appreciate the sad looks when people hear I’m still single.
Or the overwhelming pressure to settle down.
I am twenty-six
And I still feel like I’m finding myself.
It doesn’t help that everyone I know thinks that now is the time to hear wedding bells and play house.
It’s making me feel like the clock is ticking louder and faster than ever.
A first date turns into me wondering if I could deal with their weird chewing habits the rest of my life.
This is the time when we are suppose to be having fun!
I don’t know when the crazy started but I can tell you it’s the only thing we know now.
When you love someone you don’t cut them until they bleed and laugh while they try and clean up the mess.
I don’t know how we got here.
I don’t know how I got here.
I can just feel the crazy coming out of me at all corners.
Doing anything to get a reaction and
lowering your standards.
Hitting rock bottom
and then digging to see how much further down you can go.
We both have said things to each other that would shock the normal person.
We aim our words and shoot to kill.
I can’t take it anymore.
I hate being jealous. I hate the fighting. I hate everything about how the last year has been.
I don’t want to know who you are with or what you are doing.
I don’t want to think about is she prettier than me? Smarter than me? Do you like her more than me? Is she just a friend?
God knows you would never tell the truth.
You want to keep right underneath your thumb.
I am pulling my hair out and spinning in all circles just dying to get out of this mess we are in.
I wish there was an antidote to cure me of your love.
I have never loved and hated someone so much at the same time.
I have never felt so out of control of my own feelings.
All I know for certain is that I need it to stop.
I renounce my allegiance to this fucked up mess we are in.
I am putting down my shield and throwing away my sword.
I wont fight this war anymore.
So take your best shot and get this over with.
I am practically down on my knees begging for you to end it all.
I awake again surrounded by the fog. Doomed to wander in the mist barely seeing whats in front of me. All I have to go on is hope, that eventually I will see the light. Your gravity is trying to pull me back under again, back into the dreamy dark like state. Lately, traveling in the fog hasn’t been so bad, it’s familiar, that feeling of not knowing where I am going but knowing it’s better then being surrounded by the darkness.
The last few things you said float through my mind like a melody. You care about me, you want to be with me, it’s just not possible. Not possible. Not possible. Not possible. I’ve always had that fight in me. Fight to make it perfect. Fight to make it right. Fight to make you stay. Fight to make you see. I have no problem giving every last breath to try and make this work. Because I love you and that’s what people who love each other do. They try to make it work. Even on your worst day I still want to be the person next to you holding your hand. but it’s hard to be willing to sacrifice everything for someone who has already given up.
So I pull away because it’s what you want. i travel through this fog barely seeing whats in front of me, but hoping that eventually I will find someone who is going to love me as much as I love them. It takes the strength of 10,000 men to hold me back from going under and letting you sink your twisted lies back into me again.
Feels good to hear your voice, your hands on my skin, to watch you play pretend. but I can’t let that happen this time. Some things are better left in the past. Some things are better left unsaid, better left broken, like my heart after watching you leave for the millionth time. and my dignity after begging you stay.
I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.