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My excitement is slowly starting to be masked by fear.

I love going home for the holidays.

I love spending time with family. I love the twinkling lights on the tree. I love sitting by the fire.

I love the snow dusted ground. I love seeing the people that matter most.

But being home….

It reminds me of you.

All of the excitement, all of the joy, it keeps me spinning…

but when I slow down, there is a place ever so small near my heart that is empty.

Our tragic little love story started the day after Christmas.

Fate entangled our paths and it has forever changed me.

The days have dragged into months.

There has been nothing but utter silence.

That was what I wanted.

It’s what I needed. I think it’s what we needed.

but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about you.

You just stopped one day, and washed your hands of it all.

At least one of us could.

I would wash my hands, then instinctively throw them back in the dirt, then wash my hands, then right back into the dirt of us.

Someone needed to get up and walk away.

I guess I just wonder. If there is someone else tugging at your heart strings.

Have I been replaced?

or

Was enough enough?

Those questions will forever go unanswered.

So as we are playing jingle bell rock and snuggling close to family.

I will be wondering if this time of year still reminds you of me

and if for a second you stop and think about the first time we met

and how it forever changed the next three years.

and I hope you know I don’t hate you.

I guess time does heal some things.

The scars from our great war have semi faded..

and I just hope.

I hope you have a Merry Christmas…

and I hope your new year is everything you want it to be,

Even if I am not part of it,

It still doesn’t stop me from wanting whats best for you.