I have always valued my creative imagination..
I could make up a world and spend hours playing make believe.
This doesn’t fit well with my love life.
I think I take things that the average person would look at as normal, and make up my own little story of it meaning something it’s not.
You know there is someone I have been insanely attracted to the past year, god maybe its been over a year now.
It’s not love, it’s passion, overwhelming lust.
I could waste an entire afternoon just thinking about the hours we could get lost in bed.
He used to be interested in me.
You know I have a problem with reading the signs in the beginning.
I usually don’t realize what is happening before it’s to late.
He would talk to me day after day, but he never seemed attainable.
There was some mystery. We spent so much time talking.
The long looks across the room.
The pretending not to want what I knew we both wanted.
The unattainable feeling, that was deep down in my gut, that was very real,
he had a girlfriend.
Which conveniently was never brought up during our hours of talking.
Fast forward until now.
I very much know he is in a relationship.
We barely talk.
Nothing ever happened,
but he invited on more than one occasion.
Maybe they were half hearted invites, I will never know.
But it stopped abruptly.
Maybe he finally got serious about her, or maybe I stopped feeding into his ego.
I don’t know. I haven’t made an effort to even speak to him in a month.. maybe longer.
but he hasn’t made an effort either.
Self cleansing period I always seem to go through.
But it doesn’t stop…
and I keep wondering if it’s all in my head.
Every room he walks into he’s looking directly at me.
He is always looking for me.
It makes it hard for me to pretend he doesn’t exist.
He didn’t do anything wrong but its the only way I know how to stop lusting after him.
It can’t happen. Not while he has someone.
If he wanted me.. he would make an effort and he doesn’t
so back to the story…
I have been pretending like he doesn’t exist for two or three weeks now.
I find an excuse to not make eye contact
or an excuse to rush out of a room.
while he just stands there and stares at me.
I just feel his eyes burning into me.
So today, just like every other day, I park my car,
and there he is parking behind me.
A half dozen other spots right next to him.
it’s just me being forced to be confronted with him.
So i get out of my car and he is sitting in his watching me.
He gets out and just immediately starts talking to me.
I pretend that I left something in the backseat.
Thinking he would hurry along inside so I wouldn’t have to make this walk with him.
forcing me to acknowledge his presence, when I have spent two weeks ignoring his existence.
He forces conversation the whole way inside.
of course the day carries on and I have to leave, but I’m blocked in, since its double parking and he chose to block me in and not give his keys to the attendant.
I am stuck waiting on him. Maybe 10 minutes.
So he texts to apologize after we both leave.
Its fine I say.
and thats it.
Nothing more. I mean I guess I was thinking this is him trying to start talking again.
but is it.
This whole interaction could have been one happy coincidence.
If he was into you…
or even half as attracted to me as I am to him..
It would be different.
I can’t live in this universe anymore where I am interpreting nothing into something.
So I am going to go back to pretending he isn’t there and hoping whatever intense attraction I have to him will go away.
I keep going over every detail
of something so simple
If it was something he wanted bad enough
he wouldn’t be able to fight it.
God I need to just stop wanting to get him into bed so badly.
I can only think of one other person, who I just wanted to rip every shred of their clothing off.
It’s not even like objectively a lot of girls think he is attractive.
It’s like whatever pheromones he is giving off are interacting with mine in a way that would make our sex life undeniably amazing.
all consuming passion.
not that i could ever survive all consuming passion.
Enough I am getting just wound up writing about this.