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How fickle my heart is. 

It seems these days they come on hard and fast, 

and leave just as quickly. 

He made me forget about the gaping hole inside my chest,

at least for a little while.

I just couldn’t figure out what he wanted. 

How could someone like me so quickly.

How could someone miss me.

The past has an awful way of tainting the future.

I guess all those years I spent hearing I wasn’t good enough have left their mark.

Its just… my gut was telling me, that something to good to be true probably is.

I have all of these emotions swirling around inside my head. 

I can’t risk getting hurt again.

but without any risk there is no reward.

so I did what I had to do.

I pushed you away.

I dont know if it was right, I just keep hoping it was right.

You said so much, 

but your actions were so much different.

You were so close,

but not close enough to touch.

I couldn’t spend my time chasing someone again.

I spent two and a half years chasing love in all the wrong places.

The truth is, I probably would have never trusted you.

You are too handsome,

too many people want your attention,

I would have never believed that it was me who captured it.

I dont know.

I have a choir of female voices telling me I did the right thing.

but you know how that works,

they will be behind me no matter what choice I make.

If he was as into you as he said he was, it would be different.

You wouldn’t have to struggle to see him,

you wouldn’t feel it in your gut that you aren’t the only one.

Maybe they are right.

All I know is you filled a void, that I thought only he could fill.

and I wasn’t used to

the baby I miss you’s

and

I wasn’t used to someone holding me and not wanting to let go.

If there is anything I have learned from this

its that I am my own hurdle.

I have to be enough for myself.

I have to be enough for myself because I am never going to believe that someone could want me again.

The sick twisted part of it is,

part of me wants to run back to him.

Now that I don’t have you.

I wish I could go back, maybe change what I said.

Maybe believed you when told me the things you did..

but I can tell its all so different now.

I mean you can have anyone you want,

I am sure there was a shiny new object the moment I decided to step down.

I just hope part of you thinks about me sometime

maybe contemplates the could have been

misses me a little

and lets it go.

just don’t let it go without a thought,

I couldn’t bear that.