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It’s almost been two weeks, well 11 days to be exact.

I have been rolling around in my mind what I am going to say to you when you decide to come back.

Just like you always do.

So predictable. 

You want to make sure that your little rag doll is still around to play with.

“I’m not interested.”

“No. No more of this.”

short and sweet. straight to the point.

but then the romantic in me wants to say how I really feel.

As if saying how I really felt would free me.

I have been down that road.

It feels good to not hold back and release everything you are feeling without any double meanings…

I picture myself standing there and a swarm of locus is pouring out of my mouth until it finally ceases and I am purged from what was plaguing me.

The problem with baring your soul is…

when you bare it

and the person stands there

while deafing silence fills the room.

So I could tell you how I felt……

“No. I can’t do this anymore because I can’t mean nothing to you. I can’t play no strings attached and dance around our feelings. I might always want you but I can’t have you this way anymore.” 

It plays on my mind. but it always starts with “No.”

I guess thats a good start for me. 

We both know that I need to let this go. 

It gets easier… and I start to live again.

Its just at night. As I lay myself down to sleep.

I play it all out in my mind. 

What I am going to say if you ever come back.

What I am through your eyes.

How it could all be so different from your end.

what ties me to you… may not be what ties you to me.

I just sit and wonder. 

i wonder what it is about letting go that we havent figured out yet.

I wonder how much this is damaging me.

Someone put there arms around me the other day.

Just to hold me.

I felt so disconnected.

It felt so foreign.

Love.

Feels so foreign.

You’ve been punishing me for so long. I just wonder what damage has been done..

and I hope I can reverse it. 

Anyways

11 days clean. 11 days off of you. 11 days seems like the start of something new.