Just like everyone else.
I am still amazed by the creative things he comes up with to hurt me.
It’s as if he is working his way through the alphabet… A B C D E…….
That one will work. That one is sure to hurt way worse than A or B or any of them combined.
To be lumped in the same category as everyone else he’s ever been with…
how it stung and made the tears welt up in my eyes.
This has always been our unique chaos. Both never wanting someone as badly as we both wanted each other, but knowing it could never work.
Our own little greek tragedy.
If I had nothing left. It was all that comforted me on a cold night when the other side of the bed seemed just a little to empty.
The passion. Our meeting. The never letting go no matter how hard we both tried. It wasn’t like everyone else.
You weren’t like everyone else for me.
You were on mars and they were on earth. You couldn’t be farther apart. My feelings. Actions. The selflessness. Worlds apart.
I guess I should be used to that crumbling feeling. When you hear something and you just want it so badly not to be real.
But it is and brick by brick your walls come down like an avalanche.
I just pictured all of us standing in a line up. Everyone he’s ever dated. Everyone he’s ever cared about.
“Show us who you love? Who you’ve loved?” “Show us what was special to you”
and we would all stand there blank eyes… faces forward…
The whole time I would be thinking.. this is a no brainer. Not after everything between us.
and he would walk by…
“They are all the same”
scanning our faces and then leaving the room.
Not picking anyone out of the crowd.
Well to say the least he was thrown into the eye of the hurricane after that.
“Some things you just cant come back from. Even for me.”
“I think about you every day and you have always been different.”
and I don’t know why but that keeps replaying in my mind.
He didn’t believe me. He didn’t believe that I thought about him every day.
God… if he only knew. I could probably open up a small library containing all the volumes I’ve ever written about our love.
There is no turning back now.
and I told him that. If you know anything…. know this at the very center of your core.. I can’t come back, not after a week, not after a month…
How can a girl come back to someone who made her feel like she was just like everybody else.
Not after everything. Its to much. Its to much pain.
So I am trying to let go. I am not naive. I have said it a million times.
Hell I have tried to let go a million times.
But maybe a million and one is my lucky number.
I am just taking it one day at a time.
If I get through today without talking to him that is my mini achievement.
Pretty soon a day will turn into a week. A week will turn into a month. and I will be my own source of happiness.
Not willing to be treated like less than a human being again.