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I feel this overwhelming sense of anxiety starting to build as it always does after I see you. It is so bizarre..my heart can’t deny you but my body physically cannot stand to be with you. It is like an alarm goes off, the anxiety starts to build, sleepless nights, I start to think I am sick, I get in my car return back to my home and I am fine. Everything starts to ease. 

My mind just is in a constant marathon. Trapped wanting something but not knowing if I really want it. I am exhausted, mentally, physically, but I keep I running this race. Maybe I am afraid of change. I start thinking about all the time that has passed between us. All of the arguments. All of the things I have done that you would be mad about. I have always been honest but it has always left us in arguments. Nothing ever changes. I sleep with someone else. You still want to do this. I talk to someone else you still want to do this. You want us to be single. But you don’t want us to be single. 

When we are apart and we don’t talk for a month at a time. I don’t have any regrets. The regrets come when we start talking again. I feel like I have to bare my soul to you, just to make sure you still want me. Can you really forgive me for all the things I have done? I don’t know.

Honestly, I know you have been living freely, maybe not as freely as me but you bury it. You pretend like I am the only one. This can’t be true. Could I forgive you for everything that has passed? I don’t know. I dont think love is meant to be this way.

We keep going in circles up and down on this merry go round and I just cant seem to get off the ride. Every impulse in my body is telling me to run away. Run as fast as you can and as far as you can. But there is that 1% that is telling me maybe you should stay. 

It is like fireworks when we are together. Electric. Every touch of the skin. Every kiss. I can actually feel your heart racing when I sit down next to you. I’ve always loved that. You have tried so hard to put up these walls. Deny your feelings for me. You don’t want to get hurt. Its easier to pretend then to admit the truth. I know that better than anyone, but your heart cant deny it. I love it. I love that you cant control it. I love that seeing me has your heart literally jumping in your chest and despite how hard you try you cant fight it.

I dont know. I see a glimmer of hope and then quickly its gone. You have built up all these walls and I dont think I am ever going to be able to get through. The times you do let me in a little, I don’t know if its a trap or real. You cant stand to be loved. Maybe you feel unworthy of it. Maybe it scares you. You hate feeling vulnerable. Maybe I am the wrong person to try and help you. So much time has passed since we last were a couple.

We just cant seem to find a way to let this go. All of these casualties are piling up. Anyone who gets in between us gets burned at the stake and I cant keep watching this. We call the war off, then we call it back on, and we make them pick sides, and eventually no one knows what they are fighting for anymore.

My best friend asked me if I was with you. If that was the reason I couldn’t meet her that day. I wanted to lie so badly but I didn’t. She told me “you know I understand, I will always understand.” but does she really? I don’t even understand. I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed at how crazy we are. That this is normal for us. I shouldn’t have to hide from my friends and family but I am ashamed of you. You have put me through hell and back. No one in their right mind would ever put up with your shit. 

I don’t know. Now that I left home, and I am back 200 miles away from you. My head is less cloudy. I don’t know what I want. I dont know where I want this to go. I don’t even know if we should see each other again. Usually, I would have gone crazy by now. We spend so much time together and when I leave town, you essentially become a ghost for a few days. I just don’t even care. The less we talk after this the clearer my head becomes. 

I just dont want you to make me feel guilty anymore. Not when we arent dating. Not when you act the way you do. Not when this apparently means nothing to you. 

Letting my heart bleed out on the page gives me instant release.