Where do I even begin? I just feel so out of touch with what I really want. I have ignored you for days now. Stepped out of my role of being so deeply submissive to your ways.
I can place it to the time and day it all changed for me. You were the center of my universe. I moved from here to there but it was all in synchronization around you. I could never quite fight the gravity; it always seemed to pull me right back to you, no matter how far I ran.
And then SNAP just like that the magnetic field broke. I was flung out of the eye of the hurricane and laying on the ground as the rain poured down on me. I wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time.
There were some lines we both knew should never be crossed. I’ve never once given you the impression that I didn’t have feelings for you. And no matter how rough it got, how much you wanted to break away, how much I wanted to break away. There was always that. We shared that misery of being to connected to one another to ever pretend the feelings weren’t there.
But then you crossed that line.
I had my suspicions you know. I mean you treated me openly like shit. I was your doormat you came and went as you pleased. Rag doll that you could shake around whenever you had the itch to play again.
It was hard. Your actions were so blatantly obvious that you didn’t care about me. No one treats someone they love the way you treated me. No one wants to rip out the other person’s heart. You got some sick satisfaction in it. No matter how much I watched your actions, I couldn’t let myself let you go, because you could never give me that closure.
You could never admit to me that you didn’t care. It was the one thing you couldn’t do. And it was the one thing I needed to be free.
But then you did it…
We weren’t even in a fit of rage. We were talking. Which was unusual for us to have a conversation that was honest. Open. Where one person wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable. Where we put the weapons down and stepped out from behind the shields.
And I was there waving the white flag
I was there beaten and bloody. It had been a long war. It had been a very long two-year war between us. The casualties were piled sky high and maybe that’s just the submissive side in me but I couldn’t fight anymore.
And shockingly you didn’t take this as a sign of weakness, as a time to throw a javelin through my heart.
So you pretended to be in shock and awe. Saying that I always masked what I truly wanted. And for a brief moment I actually believed that you were opening up again.
And then the door slammed shut
“You need to stop liking me.”
And I told you that if that’s what you wanted I would. We both knew that wasn’t true. I’ve tried a million times it doesn’t work that way.
And I said.. There is only one thing that could change everything and you know that. If you were over me, I just couldn’t look back again. I just couldn’t.
And it was true, for once I wasn’t lying. I couldn’t be that pathetic girl who was trying to make you like her again. You were too far-gone and I have too much to lose. We shared that bond. And love doesn’t work that way. And that’s what I am. I am in love with you. I have no interest in trying to force you to love me back. If it’s gone. It’s gone. And I could make peace with that.
And then you said
“I am over you”
And there was silence because what could I say. You had never said that to me before. And I knew it was true. There was nothing to be angry about.
And you realized what you had done.
And the responses kept coming
“But it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you”
“It doesn’t mean I still don’t want to have sex with you”
How noble of you? But there’s nothing I could say. So I said nothing.
And the hours turned into days and you still haven’t heard back.
And the text messages they keep coming. And you’re angry. You’re angry with me because you think I am trying to be with other people.
Which is ironic because the moment you said you were over me, you started worrying about who was under me.
Truth be told there is no one who is under me. But there is no part of me that wants to give you the satisfaction of hearing my response.
You are over me. You are over me. You are over me.
And that released me.
I know what you miss… you miss being able to control me.
It’s nice to have me as your parachute. Your back up plan. And deep down you know I am not anymore.
And I guess I am writing now to ensure that I don’t let that side of me that still loves you respond. I have to get my emotions out on the page before they bubble up and over. I am scared that maybe that will be the last time I hear from you. I am scared you are going to go out and do something to retaliate against me because of my silence. We have never been here before.
You have always been in control. And it feels fucking good to have the power. But honestly I just don’t know what I want. I don’t even know if I want the power. I just want love that isn’t toxic. I want someone who isn’t interested in controlling me.
And that’s all this is about.
I am in love with you
You are in love with being in control of someone.
Now that I am not under your control. You are lost. And I think you need to stay lost.
It’s just best for both of us if you stay lost.