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Drunken minds and idle hands don’t mix

Memories, Whispers, and everything I’ve buried so deep down inside starts to stir.

How much damage could you do in one night?

How much is my racing mind going to read into whatever happens?

I turn the idea over and slowly let it sink in.

Wine clouds my mind and makes me only want what I cant have even more.

I remember how we left it.

I remember the calm before the storm.

I remember screaming and crying.

I remember crossing my heart and hoping to die.

Hoping this was the last time I had to say goodbye.

But I also start to remember how alive you make me feel.

How nothing ever made sense with anyone else.

How my heart races

even if it does eventually fill

and burst.

“are you awake”

“I just thought….”

Whatever I thought was wrong.

Silence seems to still be drowning into today.

How I curse my drunken mind and idle hands.

Cant I ever just be still.

It’s not that you didn’t answer

It’s not that you didn’t want to see me

It’s the not knowing what this means.

We both have been done so often that the word has lost meaning.

I toss the word “done” around, let it roll off my tongue, let it roll around my mind.

Are you done?

Has the war we waged against our hearts finally won?

Even worse than that…

Is there someone new who has occupied what once was mine.

I have convinced about 70 percent of myself that you need to be carved out of my life and carved out of my heart permanently.

It’s funny how the 30 percent of me that still wants you is such a fighter.

30 percent of me still believes in happily ever after

still hopes to hear from you

still thinks that after all of your wandering you will finally come home.

If you only knew I dedicated volumes to you.

Pages and Pages of writing

my heart bled and it always was bleeding for you.

I guess that makes me crazy

but I have never been very good at stuffing everything deep down inside