My dream was so vivid last night. We were in your house. We had been in an argument which is so very classic of us. I was sleeping in a different bedroom then you.. all worked up because we were fighting. When I awoke in the morning I went to go to your room and to my surprise another girl was in there with you. I was shocked. She was shocked. When she sat up in your bed half dressed, she slightly resembled me. You of course were angry and somehow this was my fault that you were in bed with someone else. It all felt so real. I was hurt, frustrated, angry, so very angry, you were acting like it was none of my business.

How could you do this while I was sleeping in the same house as you, I remember saying over and over. Breaking dishes. Screaming and crying. 

It was disturbing that the girl looked so much like me. I woke up in a tizzy. Thank God it wasn’t real I remember thinking, but I couldn’t shake the feeling. I still can’t shake the feeling.

The girl looking so much like me and the separate rooms, and everything being my fault. Clearly I am torn. I think part of me wants to be wrapped up in bed with him and part of me wants to stay away. All of the turbulence of our relationship he has always blamed on me. So it wasn’t hard to see why he made me feel at fault. 

Deep down I know he doesn’t care. I think this dream just rattled me. 

How am I suppose to be moving on when you play such a huge role in my subconscious. 

Everything lately is about self-preservation. I can’t talk to you because I can’t handle knowing you are with other people. If you are out of my life and if I can’t hear about you there is no way for you to slither back into the crevices of my heart. 

I wish it were easier. When someone stops caring about you, you automatically stop caring about them. If only I could erase you from my mind. If only I could find the strength to ignore you when you decided to send out your ridiculous drunk text messages. 

You just want to make sure I am always here. One week, two weeks, three weeks, then there  you are again making sure I am here. Here for what? your torment?

you are miserable.