I was laying in bed in a sudden panic. What am I doing? What do I want? I have spent the last two years tip toeing around feelings and making sure my heart was so far out of my body that I couldn’t feel a thing. I am twenty-five, I am twenty-five, I kept saying it over and over again. Like that was the only piece of reality I knew to be true. I am twenty-five and I want to love again. I cringed as the thoughts ran out of my mind and filled the night time air. How pathetic, how cliche, how codependent…….. and then I thought but is it?
It feels like I have spent an eternity just running away from the pain of falling in love. I wasted two years of my life chasing after something that I knew was never going to go anywhere. I picked someone who said they could never love me. One of the unloveable’s is what I considered myself, so it was fitting to find a man who wouldn’t love me back.
I am twenty-five and I want to fall in love again. I let the worlds roll off my tongue, roll around in my mind, but what if its to late. It is a well known fact as age increases your chances of finding someone decent dramatically decrease. I cant begin to tell you how many wedding invitations and baby shower cards I have gotten over the past few years. I am starting to enter the age where my relatives are questioning why I am still single. Maybe she has a fifth toe or something. Maybe there’s something a little off about her.
Honestly, I am still growing into the person I have yet to become. I still am going to take chances and make lots of mistakes. I still have a lot of things I need to accept about myself. I think that honestly twenty-five is the perfect age to start looking for real love. We are all scared that we will never find love. That we will never find someone who will accept all of our flaws and love us for who we are.
It’s weird. I spent two years in this tug-o-war, toxic, all consuming, thing. There really is no word for it. I think we both were like quicksand for one another. Once one of us started it was hard for the other person to get away. The sleeping together, the fighting, the making up, the weeks without talking, the lonely holidays, the wanting so bad for it to workout this time, the secrets, the fighting to move on, the fighting to hold on, it was exhausting. It is exhausting.
I just finally was laying in bed in a panic and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I cant do this anymore. I want to fall in love and I keep tip toeing back and forth over this line of moving on. You cant change a person who doesn’t want to change. You cant force a relationship that cant survive even the lightest of rains. and I just gave up. I just gave up and decided to choose me. I choose to take control and allow myself to start over again.
I want to fall in love. I want to meet someone and make them feel special. I have a lot to give and I am tired of wasting it on the wrong person. I just have to get back to my roots. Get back to the core of who I am. Stop being so afraid and closed up. Start giving people a chance, but only the right people. Start accepting that being alone right now isn’t so bad.
Im ready for it.