Lately I have been feeling so incredibly alone. Romantically alone. It’s weird. I am so busy I am not quite sure how I have the time to feel alone. I wake up every morning rushing around like a maniac to get to class on time, arrive and have back to back legal classes until 3 or 4pm. Then I have to read. Watch an episode or two of some TV show, go to bed, rinse and repeat.
But it’s there. Those brief opportunities when my mind wanders. I am so lonely. I have friends and family shouldn’t that be enough? I have been so fucked up for the past year, over a year now. I let this tangled twisted web of fucked-up-ness make me crazy. I literally feel like a crazy person. Other guys that try and talk to me, I literally probably send them running for the hills. One in particular contacted me everyday just to see how things were going, but some of the things he said mirrored what V has said and it just makes me think he’s an asshole. It’s not fair but it’s true. I no longer talk to that person.
Not to mention, once I start talking to anyone, and I start to semi-like them I am so terrified they are going to leave. If i don’t hear from them I assume that they probably don’t want to talk to me anymore. All the fucked up shit that I would never be so insecure about, I am insecure about. I mean this has been going on for so long I actually think its normal for someone to walk out on you after every conversation.
I am alone. and I am repelling the opposite sex. it’s just fantastic.
I think about what someone who ever see in me and honestly I am not so sure anymore. I know that’s a huge self confidence problem. But how do I fix it? How do I believe in the good qualities of myself?
It just has been pounded in my head for so many days that I am a horrible person. Do I actually believe it now? That would be the ultimate tragedy. Not only did you break my heart but you succeeded in making me not believe in myself anymore.
I cant blame this all on him. I know I can’t. I let him talk to me every few weeks. What do I think? just because I haven’t seen him in 6 months or had sex with him in 6 months that it means he can’t hurt me? I don’t know what I believe but every conversation is degrading I don’t even know how it ends up that way but it does.
He get’s a hold of me. He’s normal. Then he decides to tell me how he hates my guts.
You hate me so much why do you even bother getting a hold of me? Why are you so stuck on our sex life? because that’s what you say it is. Every time any normal conversation turns into our sex life. You haven’t slept with anyone because you only want to sleep with me but you fucking hate me? He keeps punishing me for things that have happened. Dont ask questions you dont want the real answer to. Have my lips been on someone else’s lips in half a year.. yes they have. Be mad ignore me forever, I shouldn’t have to apologize or be punished. you didnt want me remember?
Whatever. This isn’t even about him anymore. because I know deep down that I don’t want to be with him. I let this happen. I let this happen because its nice to feel wanted for that brief 5 minutes before he turns into a maniac.
Can’t I just be happy being alone? I just want to be happy being alone. I feel like I am desperate at this point.
Desperate for love making, laughing, long talks, having someone hold my hand. I miss it. I miss needing someone who needs me back.
how do I rebuild myself. how do I put it all back together again. Where I am whole and complete.