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I should really be studying since I have a mock exam in two hours but I feel like if I don’t get some of my thoughts down on paper my brains going to explode. So instead of having my feelings ooze out all over the desk in front of me, and to fail my exam by writing about stupid men and complicated issues, when I should be writing about constitutional law, I better get this out now.
I have been living in this new city for almost two weeks now. I really enjoy it here and it’s weird it still hasn’t settled in that I am a resident here and not just visiting. Where do I even begin. My classes, I love them. I was so scared I wouldn’t be interested and doomed to search the earth for another profession I would enjoy. I am happy that wont be the case. The stress is going to be unmeasurable this year. They keep pounding that into our heads and I understand it, I accept it, and I am ready for it. I just hope physically I am ready for it. I passed out the other day in our kitchen. Gave my roommate somewhat of a shock. I woke up to her screaming my name. Calm down… Let me breathe a minute. I was dehydrated, hungry, I had so much going on that day I literally had only eaten a breakfast and my body must have just collapsed. I have to remember to stay healthy, exercise, not be a work horse and ignore my body.
Secondly, “R” the family friend, we haven’t really spoken since that awkward night where we dry humped until the wee hours of the morning. Thank god I didn’t sleep with him. I think I was actually starting to like him and he disappeared. There is some chick he has been talking to for the past few months, and even though he denies it to me, everyone knows. I guess its just weird. He has been chasing after me for the last 12 years and now i am here in town, and everything is just different. I am not heartbroken or anything over this, I am more just over it. I am not going to have time for him this year with all the work, so if you wan’t to blow me off now when its opportune for us to hang out, do not come calling me in a month, when this fling ends, just like they always end with you.
It continues. I haven’t talked to V since before I left. I woke up yesterday morning with a 2:00 a.m. text from him. I told him please dont text me which he spat back some mean insults. I didnt stoop to his level. I said I just don’t get the point of texting me after a month to be a dick. So he apologized and was trying to be somewhat normal asking me about my life here. I don’t even feel the same way as I used to anymore. That sense of satisfaction that he is trying to get a hold of me again. I genuinely dislike him. He is a mean person. I have never met someone who just is rotten to the core and knows it. He was in town Saturday. Of course he would run down here and visit the second weekend I live here. He was staying with ….. drum roll please ….. R… and clearly has no idea about anything.
He actually had the audacity to tell me, I thought we would maybe hook up, so I wanted to get a hold of you. He has got to be a moron. After over half a year of not hooking up you think that spontaneously I am going to be attracted to huge assholes and want to sleep with you. I told him maybe he should try having a threesome since he’s into asking people about that these days. Of course it was a series of questions about who would tell me a “lie about him” like that. I didn’t say it was R but I think he knew. He said you are trying to protect someone. I don’t need to protect R, he is a big boy, and can handle himself.
I don’t even know. I guess I just feel worse. I don’t even think I actually deeply like any of these people. I think I just want the attention. I think I just want someone. Someone normal. Since I can’t find anyone normal I choose to talk to these morons. I was in a place where I was finally fine being just alone. I was content. Now it gets complicated. I don’t think this is going to be the end of me hearing from V. I don’t care but he drags me down. He is toxic. To much of him and my lungs start to collapse. I just need to ignore. Please let me find the strength and intelligence to just ignore him.
ughhhhhhh even I am getting sick of this, bitching about this, feeling like this, every blog being about this. Why do I keep going to battle with him. I always lose. I am not going to come out of this holding his bloody, bruised heart in my hand. It is always the opposite. Part of me doesn’t care and part of me is trying not to care.