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I have been surfing WordPress lately and discovered that many heartbroken souls are recounting things we all have been through or currently going through. It gives you comfort in knowing that your experience may be unique but the feelings your going through have been shared by others.
Sometimes I stare at the screen and read these hopeless accounts wishing I could scream and reach through the computer and say “Your better than this! I don’t even know you but what I do know is you deserve better!”. It is slightly hypocritical I know because if anyone has followed my heartbroken account they know I should have erased someone from my mind a long time ago.
So here’s to being honest with ourselves. It is easy to push ideas to the back of your mind swallow and never think about them again. We confuse what we want with what we think we can endure or live with. I guess I had some sort of an epiphany this morning. I woke up from a very vivid dream. I dreamt that me and my F’d up ex boyfriend were happy, in love, dating, and going to some sort of event. In the dream I was genuinely happy. All the longing and pain, all of that icky stuff was gone.
When I woke up reality set in… We have been on this not talking/talking roller coaster for 8 months. I went through every shade of fucked up since that time period. I went from begging him back to telling him how much I hate his guts, from agreeing to see each other and not agreeing, Friends with benefits to just being a piece of ass. I let him call every single name in the book and tear down every part of me.
The sad thing is I went along with all of this. I was fully present and taking part in every discussion, hell I even initiated the discussions. As the months passed so did the standard for respect, each time we argued he hit even more below the belt than he did the time before, I allowed him to treat me this way. For what? I actually would try and convince myself that friends with benefits was all I ever wanted. That us talking would have no effect on me. At times maybe it was true, but ultimately what was the goal? I hated to admit it, actually I havent admitted to myself since, goodness, 4 or 5 months ago. But here it is… I keep hoping that one day he is going to see the light, be nice to me, and want to try and make this work. I ultimately want to be exclusive with him and dating.
Horrible isn’t it? If there is one thing I know 100% is that he is never going to change. He may very well be the most stubborn man in the universe. This means that I will never be as happy as a I could be. I will always be stuck miserable.
I have to move on. There isn’t a choice left. The only way is if I don’t talk to him anymore. You can’t constantly be reminded of your ex-flame when you are trying to move on it doesn’t work that way.
So how does this relate to other lonely souled bloggers? Some of you are going through the same thing as me. You let your ex keep in contact with you when you haven’t fully recovered. You get your hopes up. You wish for the things I wished for even if you don’t want to admit it to yourself. You may still see them, let them string you along. Or maybe you are still just living in memories.
If you want to stop going around in circles with someone then change your situation. You know that it is going to be hard. Traveling into life knowing you wont speak to this person might be hard, it is the unknown that scares us. You have to think about this though, every day you wait you are openly welcoming your unhappiness. You are saying you know what I think I’m going to stay miserable for a few more days. I am not saying that life without this person is 100% going to be better, but honestly 9 times out of 10 it probably will be.
If you love something set it free. Cliche? very. but set it free so you can set yourself free. And listen you wont be alone throughout this process, because I will be reading your blogs, a whole community will. We all will be right there with you.
So here’s to being honest with yourself, I hope you can find the time to do that today.