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I’ve come a long way from tear stained pillow cases and empty Kleenex boxes. From begging, pleading, and spiraling out of control. Heart over mind is now mind over heart. I no longer read between the lines and ponder what if’s. Words could break my bones but now they fall like ashes. The funny thing about telling someone they mean nothing to you, is that they actually start to believe it. Some things you can’t take back, some phrases when uttered they cut and leave scars, scars that time can’t fade.
Whose worse off you or me? Because Im not pretending, I have never been pretending. You laid your walls thick with brick and mortar and you stand behind them throwing down arrows in the daylight..while I kneel in my armor outside your front gates.
But I hear you.. I hear you in the night time… I hear the words you whisper in the night..when you have let your guard down and you think no ones listening. You hate to want me, I know you do. but you do. So I ask again whose worse off? I have always put it all out there, I left my heart on the battlefield. You pretend to yourself and you find comfort in knowing each morning I will be outside kneeling begging for five minutes of honesty, five minutes for you to say in the daylight what you utter in darkness.
I have waited to long. My bones have grown stiff and my blood has turned ice cold. I must move before I die. That voice I can’t ignore any longer. Move or Die. So when you wake up tomorrow morning when you wake up and you look out your window I won’t be there anymore. No love letters or notes, no explanation.
The old you, he deserved an explanation, he deserved a goodbye, he deserved the reasons, but not the new you. but if I did give a reason, a speech, a farewell it would go something along these lines.. I don’t hate myself enough to stay here any longer. I don’t hate myself enough to listen to you pick apart every part of my being. I deserve better than this I really do. I loved you enough to stay and bask in this misery, to watch you dissect every part of our relationship with disdain, I loved you still when you told me I was nothing, but I can’t anymore. I don’t want you in my life anymore. I don’t want you enough, not at the expense of losing myself. I want this to be history. Ancient History. You stopped being worth it. You stopped being my everything.