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Another day passes and another night spent alone. I never noticed just how quickly people come and go but it truly amazes me. I am living back at home until the big move two weeks away and my family is constantly on the go. I never really noticed it before maybe because I was always on the go, now I spend most nights at home living vicariously through old movies and old memories. I find myself wanting my family to hang around, I don’t even want them to talk, just to sit with me and enjoy the simplicity in doing nothing.
My two younger brothers were home briefly, no TV on, no one on their phones. We were playing music and sitting, laughing, they were getting ready to go out and partake in some fun parties and everyone just seemed in a genuinely happy mood. We don’t get that very often. Zero distractions and just all collectively getting along, it was nice and I am going to miss that once I move. We will all be on different sides of the state come August and my parents will be empty nesters for the first time in their lives. It is so weird that we are all grown up. Childhood literally flashed by and now we are all adults? How did that happen? I remember just yesterday putting on plays for my parents and trying to dress my little brother up as a girl. When did they become taller than me? When did they start looking like men? Why do I feel like I am still trying to grow up? Times are changing and I just don’t want us all to grow apart. I have been around long enough to know that families can separate and never quite go back to being as close as they were. I don’t want to walk into a room someday and be looking at my brothers not knowing quite who they are anymore. Who thought I would be getting all sentimental about this?
I have been very lonely lately and the rock solid foundation I have always had is my family. Maybe that’s why. I don’t want to lose another relationship that is important to me.
It’s so weird I haven’t been able to write lately but I have had so much to say. When I sit down at my computer and watch the cursor flash I can’t bring myself to come to terms with what I am feeling. The breaking up and making up relationship me and VM had has come to an end. Whatever possible end we can have. I don’t even know how I feel its been a week or two since we talked, I don’t even count the days anymore. I used to know exactly how long it had been since we talked. Like an addict going through reform, I could recite the exact last date I let him use me. I still think about him often but not in a longing way. I don’t even know. I know that I am lonely but I used to just want him, only he could fill that void but that isn’t the case anymore. I dream of having someone who understands me and I am hoping that I meet someone no one I know has ever heard of before.
One of my best friends and I got to talking about relationships this past weekend, and she told me that she thinks i am looking for the fairytale.. and that not all relationships are perfect…so I need to stop thinking its going to be that way. She never fully knew the horrible fights me and VM went through, or just how evil he could be. She even admitted to me that she didn’t know the full extent to what went on between us because I didn’t tell her. She thinks he’s a good guy but just wrong for me. Those two opinions that she gave have been haunting me, probably because she’s someone I am somewhat close with.
Number one, I am not looking for the fairytale. I don’t expect a knight in shining armor to show up on my doorstep and ask for my hand in marriage. I do however expect a man to be a man. What does that mean? not to disrespect me like a child, run around behind my back, or treat me like garbage… i don’t want to date an adolescent teenager. Secondly, VM might be a good guy to his family, maybe some of his friends, but some part of him is fucking evil (pardon my french) Imagine your worst fear, confiding that in someone because you trust them and them using it against you at every drop of the dime. That was him. The name calling, walking out, refusing to see me, refusing to be affectionate, the games, all of it. All of it was horrible. I can’t blame her for saying what she said she doesn’t know. He made fun of me for going to see a therapist, he said only someone fucking crazy like me only someone who has to see a therapist would think the way I did, everything i did was a mistake, I was nothing to him. He wanted me to know that. Some dark part of him wanted to destroy me. I was so mesmerized by him I would crawl back to him across broken glass just so he could break me into one thousand pieces again.
I don’t know no part of me wants what we had back anymore. I am in this limbo like state lately. I feel nothing. When I start to feel something my mind shuts down. How could I have chased someone for so long that fucking hated me? that question will always go unanswered.
You know it’s not like women are believing in make believe, in things that never happened, in love that doesn’t exist. We have gotten so far away from showing our feelings that everyone is walking around in a god damn bubble acting how they think they should act, not how they really feel. I have a book of 100’s of letters over the last century from REAL people, yes they actually wrote letters, they expressed how they felt, and they might have been scared to fall in love, but they did. And they sure as hell let the other person know about it, no restrictions.
I mean 100’s of letters… forbidden love, unrequited love, endless love, you know what I am going to post some of them. These letters make you long to feel what they have felt. They make you remember what its like to be consumed by love and happy about it. For to long I have been consumed by love and miserable. I read these and I am astonished at just how happy they are. I forgot what that was like .. being in love and not being ashamed. Being in love with someone who loved me back. I forget what it’s like, I have been spending so much time trying to forget.