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I am sitting down at my dining room table, on my brand new MacBook pro, with a dozen rollers in my hair, and in a cute black summer dress. In about an hour I will be attending a dinner party for my cousins fiancé at a hibachi restaurant. I haven’t been able to write for days and probably because I didn’t want to have to come to terms with what happened last weekend but I guess now is a better time than ever.

I decided to go out on friday night with DN (the attractive male friend I have told you about) my best friend Mallory and Ashley along with some other people. We started drinking on a patio that we frequent and one thing lead to another and we ended up closing the bar down. The past year I haven’t really been going out much and now that summer has hit I feel like I have been out more in the past few weeks than I have over the past year. One of my ex’s BW met up with us that night as well. It is a little bizarre calling him my ex because it doesn’t feel that way at all. We were best friends and decided to date.. it never worked out.. but when we broke up it pretty much went back to being friends. At least for me.

So the night progressed and I found myself being more and more attracted to DN. I could tell he felt the same way to because he had made some comments earlier in the night when I had picked him up, saying how I look nice tonight etc. We all had a wonderful time drinking and catching up. Everyone was getting along. I honestly had way to much to drink. DN had to drive my car back to his house. So me, mal, DN and his roommate decided to go back to his place for after hours. We continued to drink… and decided that streaking would be a good idea… I am 25 years old. Streaking is never a good idea when you are 25. We kept our underwear on and sprinted down the street screaming and laughing. When we got back I decided I was exhausted and wanted to go to bed. DN said I could crash in his room. Should have immediately said No but of course my woozy brain was like Perfect!

He followed me in the room and one thing lead to another. We started making out and ended up buck naked. It got to the point where he was attempting to have “relations” with me but it wasn’t happening because we were both drunk and it just wouldn’t enter..in… after the second attempt. I was like NO I can’t Do this. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship and have sex. So I went to sleep.

I woke up the next morning in a daze to say the least and we were both lying there naked. I knew that everything was forever going to be different. He was cuddling me and holding my hand, still trying to accomplish what he didn’t last night. I refused. I left that morning and it hasn’t been the same since. We used to talk on a regular basis and we barely have talked since. It is awkward and part of me feels like that his secret goal for years and years of knowing each other was to get me naked.. and he did.. even if he didn’t accomplish anything.. the chase is over for him. It shouldn’t be that way because we have been such good friends but that is how he is with other girls he has talked to me about.

To top it off. I feel extremely guilty. VM texted me at 1:30 a.m. that night asking if I was sleeping and wanted to meet up. We got into a huge argument and he of course said the meanest things I have ever heard. That I was just a piece of ass to him and he doesn’t care about me. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty but I do.

I told him the next day we couldn’t talk at all anymore because we were toxic for each other. It’s like every few weeks we go through this. The texting and me feeling completely worthless. He told me that he was never happy when he was with me, I was the worst girlfriend, that he stopped caring about me a long time ago, and that he didn’t like me as a person. He said he hated my personality and the only thing that was actually good with us was the sex.

I cried and cried. Because I don’t think he was just saying those things to hurt me. I think he really believes those things. The worst part is I tried. I tried to be a good girlfriend and I was. I did everything he wanted. By the end of the conversation I was in shambles. I told him “you carved my heart out and I don’t want it back. As far as I am concerned you can keep it, I don’t ever want to go through this again. Love gives people the power to destroy you and that’s exactly what you did.” I don’t remember what he said. I think he laughed or said I would change my mind. Either way I haven’t spoken to him since. The last thing I said was I can’t wait to move and just pretend this never happened. He never responded. It’s the truth. I don’t want to be constantly reminded about how I submitted to his every beck and call. How I was so blinded, so tortured.

I don’t even know how I feel to be honest with you. I feel completely done with this place. I don’t want to talk to one male that I have been associated with. O and the ex that had met me out that night, the best friend, he sent me a text at  2:00 a.m. confessing his love. Why is it I want who treats me bad and push away everyone else.

I have decided over the past few days that I just want to focus on ME the next few weeks. I have three weeks until I move. I need to get in a 100% good mental state. I need to get back on my exercise routine. I need to stop boozing so much. I need to just get back to finding myself. How do I let loneliness side track me so much.

I spent fireworks with my family and honestly every bright boom across the sky felt like a wish. I wished to move on. I wished to be better. I wished to let go. I wished to be happy. I wished to better myself. I can’t leave all of this in fates hands. I need to start taking control of my life. I get better than I get worse. I sabotage myself. There is no reason for it anymore.

Fuck the men. Here’s to me.