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I have been thinking a lot about what shapes us as individuals and what makes us who we are. Is it possible to change? To truly change into the person that you want to be. We grow up and all of these experiences shape us into the person that we become today. It’s funny in retrospect things seem so minor, but truly it is the small things that made the most impact on us. It is the daily routines, daily interactions, environment, that probably had the most impact on all of us. I think very few people have the movie like epiphany where a guru comes into their life and changes who they are forever. A times I wish that was possible though.
It is not that I don’t like who I am. I just wish I could be better and I wish I knew myself better. I will give you an example that I was pondering… What’s your favorite color? my cousin asked me this the other day. I paused and was going to respond back with what I always responded back with ‘Blue or Pink” but then I realized, maybe I am just faithful to the color blue because when I was a kid that’s what my favorite color was and its a simple answer to repeat back. In reality I couldn’t pick a favorite color because it really depends on what your talking about. I don’t want to discriminate against any color because in all honesty there is a gorgeous shade in every color.
I didn’t respond back with that long drawn out answer that would have terrified her but it definitely got me thinking. I often wish sometimes that I could go off to a different country and spend a month on a retreat somewhere. Find myself. Experience life. Be with other people who are seeking the meaning of life and finding happiness. That is never going to happen..so I have to find that here and where I am.
It is hard to remind yourself daily to be better. Be more compassionate. Be open. Don’t gossip. Try and not be Negative. Be Happy. Enjoy the present moment. Try not to be lonely. My Yoga instructor is honestly one of the nicest people I have every met. She radiates happiness every time you see her. You can tell when you talk to her she is not casting judgement at all on you. She enjoys the simple things and most importantly you can tell how happy she is with herself. It is not a facade at all. You can see through people who are just trying to be nice. She isn’t this way. I wan’t to strive to be more like that more open, and I want to be the kind of person that people stop and are envious of that happiness.
I am trying to work on myself it just gets hard. I think that I am lonely. It is weird how we crave the attention of someone else. We need that companionship. I am trying to fight off that desire because I want to learn to be happy on my own. I just wish it was easier. Sometimes there is this hopeless feeling… what if I never find anyone to share my life with? what if there is no other person who will put up with me or want to be with me? I hope its not true but there’s always a chance.