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I have been thinking a lot lately about the true source of my unhappiness. The last year of my life has been emotionally exhausting. I know that the turbulent relationship I was in played a major role but also I think that there was a lot of self discovery.
Through all the pain, tears, anguish, I collapsed. I lost weight, developed anxiety, I was on edge, truly. I made the decision to go see a psychologist. I think it was an important choice that I made. Many people are ashamed to go talk to someone, there is nothing shameful at all in seeking out help. Even for the simplest of things. You do not need to be going through a crisis in order to see someone.
It helps to get an outside perspective on your situations, and things that might seem trivial to other people in your life you can discuss freely and openly. She confirmed a lot of things for me. Number one I wasn’t going crazy, that I truly was in a relationship that was destroying me. She gave me some invaluable advice and I am going to share it with you.
Number one.. when you are dating someone you should feel good about yourself, they should make you see the best version of your self. They shouldn’t constantly be pointing out your flaws and emotionally abusing you. She told me that with VM I always saw the worst version of myself. That I didn’t feel like a good person when I was with him. It was true and I think that’s important.
Number two… It is healthy to go through a self discovery phase and start questioning who you are. Is this the right religion for me? Am I happy? What do I truly like? What do I dislike? What am I looking for out of life? Some people go through this when they are 18 and some people never go through it. I think it’s extremely important. You have to know who you are down to the very core.
Those are the major and most important things I can think of right now. I am still on the road to self discovery and sometimes it’s scary but I have learned some pretty wonderful things in the past year:
I love love love yoga. Not for the exercise benefit but for the buzz I feel afterwards. There are few times when you can feel totally at peace and this is one of them for me.
I am excited about going to law school. I was on edge and nervous that I didn’t make the right decision. I ordered a prep book offline and boy am I happy I did. It gave me the confidence that I made the right decision. I will be able to make a difference in many people’s lives ❤ and that is something I am proud of.
I made mistakes in the past and some of them I am not proud of. I am more conscious of my actions and how those actions might affect people around me and people I might know in the future.
I have a fascination for books. Old books from the 1800’s, the feel of a brand new book in your hands, I will never be a kindle person.. that is for sure. I love love love to read novels.
I may not have found the right person this year and I may have falling in love with the wrong one. I know now that every body gets hurt. Every one goes through this pain and sorrow. There is a whole community of heartbroken souls wishing they could have done something better, changed the ending to their story, and that’s what blogging has taught me. I never thought so many people could be going through what I am going through and I find comfort in knowing there is hope for us.
I need to get back to exploring myself and exploring happiness. That was the intent of this blog right? I am sure I will ramble on and I am sure I will have my days where it seems like my broken heart has jumped out of my chest and is typing on the very keyboard but I am going to try hard to be happy. Happy with myself. Happy being alone. Happy in the moment.
There are such few days where I am actually happy in the moment and I that’s a talent I want to cultivate. Being present, being in the here and now, and knowing that everything at this moment is ok.
Here is a video I hope you’ll enjoy 🙂