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I don’t know if it ever gets easier wanting what you shouldn’t. heartbreak is like a roller-coaster you have the highs and you have the lows, and for one brief moment you think about why you waited so long to get on the ride at all, and that it wasn’t what it was cracked up to be, but then in a flash you are whipped around and adjusting to the new thrill up ahead.
I keep going around and around, and ending up right back where I started. Admittedly, I knew I would come out somewhat bruised and broken again, but I didn’t want to believe it. The hardest part of me letting go of this is knowing he will soon be with someone else. I don’t know why I care but I do. I don’t want someone Else’s hand in his and I don’t want him to do all of the things with her that he used to do with me in the beginning. I just don’t.
But it’s not fair right? We don’t work and we never will in a relationship. So who am I to hold him back? He is so hateful now, but it always ends this way. He gets evil after a few weeks of talking and says things to try and break me. His temper, his stubbornness, he is so spiteful, he actually flat out told me he hated me and the more he talked to me the more it made him hate me. I asked him how that could be so? if just last week he was wanting me and saying he still had feelings there. He just ignores that. He told me that he was fine.. actually that he was more than fine the past few months that we didnt talk. That he has never needed me and he has never needed to talk to me, “deep down you know that”. Yeah I guess I do know that.
I can never tell whats real and whats not. What he is saying just to hurt me because hes angry or whats truly real. Either way I didn’t stick around to find out. This has been over for a long time and we keep rehashing whatever spark we have. Although he denied that we ever had one, that the only reason he is still attracted to me is because I was the last person he was with intimately. “Its natural that I am attracted to you still, I havent been intimate in a long time and you were the last person it was with.”
Everything he said hurt like hell. It really did. But I am not as fucked up as I was before. It’s almost as if he tried to stab me a million times, but there’s not much left to kill. I know this will be the last time we talk because he will never try to get a hold of me and honestly I don’t know if I ever really see myself contacting him again. How many blow outs can we have. How many times can I sit there and let him cut me down. It doesn’t make sense. He was texting me every single day and wanting to talk to me, and he was the one wanting to meet up, then he freaking snaps.
When am I going to stop wanting him. Seriously. He is bad for my health and my well being. I have gotten over wanting to be in a relationship. I didn’t even really have the desire to go meet up with him. Maybe I just want him to accept me for once. That’s never going to happen.
My broken heart is still beating. I know it’s stronger than before, because I am not barely scraping by. but still I’d be a liar if I didn’t say I came out of this with a few injury’s. Don’t you just wish that we had the power to wake up one day and just be over someone. There was a special reset button we could press. After the 10th time… you now qualify for the reset button.
I would be pressing that right about now. Waking up thinking VM who???