Today is the fourteenth day that we have been talking. It seems like only yesterday it was my birthday and I was in a beautiful three month no-talking bliss. No matter how much time passes we still fall right back into our old routines. We could miss an entire year of each other’s lives and if I picked up the phone it would be exactly as we left it.
I was stronger last week. I wasn’t as concerned about his comments or if anyone else is in the picture. I was confident that if we never talked again it would only be a brief sting and I wouldn’t think twice. This week I am not so sure. It would be a lie if I said I haven’t cried, haven’t wished it could have played out differently. I haven’t cried since he left last time and two weeks in I am emotional. Not that he would ever know. I have anxiety again about the things he used to get upset for in the past, there are still all the underlying issues.
but its different somehow. I move in six weeks and although its only going to be two hours away I feel as if it’s the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe he won’t be able to sink his hooks into me there. I don’t know how love and hate can live so closely to one another but that is our relationship. A tug-o-war between loving and hating. Every fiber in my being is attracted to him, it’s almost crazy. It has to be something with our pheromones, but I can’t give in and see him.
Tangled in the sheets for one night will lead to many nights of me wishing it never happened. Nothing is ever stable with us. He’s a runner, I’m a lover, and we go round and round. I am starting to irrationally be worried that there are other girls in the picture. It’s a battle between the two hemispheres in my brain, one says what if he is out meeting other people, talking to other girls, being with other girls, you will be stuck here, stuck wanting him alone as you watch him with someone else. The other half explains that it doesn’t matter because you will never be in a relationship again, if you met a standup guy you wouldn’t talk to him either, he is only ever going to hurt you.
Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. While he begs to see each other so we can get tangled in his sheets.
I have been here before time and time again. We say this is just going to be physical and I end up broken in the fetal position wishing he could love me as I loved him. He will say he has feelings for me but we can never let it amount to anything, I’ll promise him we will find a way. and it will never be enough. it never has been enough.
so maybe I should take the road less traveled this time. Maybe I should put my foot down and say no we aren’t going to see each other. That ship has sailed. This always ends up messy and I am always the one who has to clean it up. You either want all of me or have none of me. ALL OF ME or NONE of me. In my head the scenario plays out a lot better than I feel like it would in real life.
I have to not see him. He is Medusa I will look him in the eyes and turn to stone, Forever to be stuck in the same place in time while he moves on to new victims. I just can’t do it.