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This weekend we were blessed with exceptionally great weather. I decided to take a half day at work on Friday and just lay by the pool. Ah, dolce far niente, which literally means the sweetness of doing nothing in Italian. It takes an enormous effort for me to just close out all of the thoughts in my mind and be happy where I am at.

The night time festivities included getting dolled up and hitting up downtown for a few beverages and to catch up with friends. I have a guy friend who is pretty good looking and we have always had this attraction. Unfortunately, he is bat shit crazy. He is blessed with the bone structure of a Greek god but the brains of a person who belongs in an insane asylum. Drugs, Alcohol, Women, the list is endless of his issues. He always lies to me about how he has done away with all the bad but any sane person can see that he has not. I haven’t see him in a very long time which is weird, because we talk so often. For some reason when I left on Friday night the attraction that we used to have just wasn’t there. I literally have had zero interest since then. Not that I ever would have pursued it but flirting was fun. In some weird way the cosmos is having me close every past chapter in my life on men, which is definitely a good thing.

My ex (the one who most recently broke my heart) we have to think of a name for him, All of the names that are coming to my mind right now are not flattering, hm let’s just go with VM. Those are his initials so I wont be able to screw this up. VM texted me at midnight, probably after getting a few cocktails down the hatch, saying that he kinda of cares about me.

Wait let’s back up a bit, earlier that day I had asked him if he cared about me and he said he didn’t know. I asked him if he was happy talking to me, he said no and that he hasn’t really thought about it. You know when you are scared to ask these questions, but you strike up the nerve to ask and then hear the worst possible answers ever. That was what happened. So literally instead of arguing and telling him he is an asshole and I know he cares, I just dropped it. “Thanks for the information have a wonderful night.” So that must have really threw him through a loop. So any-who he got one drink down and fired the I care text out.

My inner goddess is literally screaming at me “Why the F do you care if he cares!” “Are you insane for asking him that” she is right. I don’t want this to go anywhere, I wont even agree to see him. I guess I just feel if I can keep him at a distance I wont get hurt this time. I still don’t know what the object of this game is. We know he is only interested in one thing and the only reason he is saying he cares is so I don’t cut him off. I am the only girl who is fulfilling that manly side that needs to be fulfilled by our interesting text messages. how do I know that? he is so shy and he hangs out with a group of 10 dudes on the weekend all fighting over the one chick who enters the hole in the wall bar they hang out at.

When I met him he was so shy I basically did all of the talking for both of us the night we met. Thanks to some trusty cherry bombs and a few budlights. He is so inexperienced or maybe just scared. I don’t know but for some reason that posed as a challenge to me. How alarming. I almost think his inexperience makes him evil. His jealously, his need to possess me even when he doesn’t want me himself. He is a year younger than me and you can tell the maturity is completely different. He has never been in a serious relationship, and I have. He is still obsessed with going out every weekend getting drunk, I am not. The idea of marriage and a family seems eons away for him, for me it isn’t that crazy. He has never been in love, ever. He has this whole world built around him of false conceptions. He hangs out with guys still stuck in the high school/college mentality and he thinks that that’s how everyone is.

I don’t know. I feel like he is pulling me back over to the dark side again. When we talk I feel anxiety, guilt, so many negative emotions because of all the name calling and judging of my past he did before. I always feel like I am doing something wrong. But I am so utterly and completely drawn to him.

I need to run for the hills, I have my running shoes on, what am I waiting for.