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For my memorial day weekend I decided to take a trip down to Siesta Key, FL. A girlfriend and I flew out friday evening an spent three days basking in the sun and drinking on patios at night. It seems like every one and a half months I need to get away from this place. I am still trying to find my way out of this heartache I feel.

The only time I can truly clear my head is when I am 20,000 miles away from the city.  I am so much better than I was months ago. I mean I am leaps and bounds happier but still something is missing. I still wonder every day what he is doing and I still can’t help but to glance at his pictures. I can’t even describe it anymore.

I am not over it but I am in a place where I am not running back to him. I wish I knew if he thought about me, if there is someone else, if he has moved on. I will never know those things and from what I can tell I think he thinks the worst of me. He thinks that I have run around and done all this stuff that isn’t true. Who am I to reach out to him and ease his insecurities? Maybe he doesn’t even have these insecurities and it is all in my head. I don’t know.

My birthday is this week and part of me wonders if he will reach out to me, but I know he wont. He hasn’t in two and a half months. How is it possible that you could still care for someone after not talking to them for that long.

It was getting worse before I left for Florida, I was seriously considering texting him and telling him I missed him. Thank God I didn’t. There’s just something about the salt water, fresh air, and sunshine it cleanses your soul.

I just can’t wrap my arms around the fact that I still pine after a man who treated me so bad. I know 100% that it’s not the way I want to be treated, I know it was unacceptable, yet I still miss him. I try to say it’s the relationship aspect, but it really is just him. We had some connection physically I think. I am just drawn to him like a moth to a flame.

All I want is to wake up and feel whole again. I just want to wake up and not care that he is out at the bars every weekend, with girls that he used to mess around with, and doing God knows what. I don’t want him to be able to hurt me anymore. I know he can do whatever he wants now but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt still.

The thing I think though that bothers me the most is that he hates me. I don’t even understand why. He hates me because we fought? our relationship didn’t workout? because we said mean things to each other? I just don’t get it. Maybe it’s the only way he can cope. I feel literally insane. Insane that I am still thinking about this and about him. I feel like he probably doesn’t think about me at all.

There is just something tugging on the insides of me that says this is not how it’s supposed to be. It wasn’t how it was supposed to end. This quote describes perfectly:

“Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don’t want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon. ” ~ Practical Magic