The dark ages are starting to come to an end. As I look back over the last year and reflect on my emotional state it’s amazing to me how far I have come along. I was utterly and completely drowning in depression. I was smack dab in the middle of an emotional rain storm that turned to bitter cold winds and hopeless nights. It froze me from the inside out and I think I literally cried five out of seven days a week.
Was it directly related to the relationship I was in? or was fighting to stay in? or get back?, I guess it really depended on which day of the week it was. Sadly to say, Yes, It was him, but not just him it was a multitude of past failed relationships. I was investing more stock in the other person than I was investing in myself. I don’t 100% want to blame my despair on him, I think we were both poison for each other. He was a bad habit that I needed to break, and like all bad habits you at times miss it for a split second, but bury that urge and realize how far you’ve come.
I have some permanent scars that are never going to go away. Battle wounds that are going to take a very long time to heal. He didn’t just make me doubt our relationship. He was a soul destroyer. He would make you doubt the very essence of yourself. He would take every mistake I ever made before I knew him and beat me down about it over and over again. You can’t erase the past. It is part of growing up and becoming the person that you are today. Do I wish that maybe I kissed less people or was less romantically involved? Yes I do, but I can’t change that. Do I wish that experimenting with alcohol or drugs could completely be erased? Yes. Do I need it to be held over my head during every argument? No.
I am going to have to accept a lot of things about myself, about my past, that I was content with before I met him. I know that seems probably insane but I still carry that guilt around. I feel like no one is ever going to want me because he made such an ordeal. Things that my friends in relationships could never understand how that was an issue.
I was nervous about going to a rugby game last week. My family, me and my best friend all decided to go. The game was fun and I was extremely nervous when we arrived. I saw his family from afar but I am the type of person that just blanks out in awkward situations. Instead of scanning the stands to see if he was there, I couldn’t. It was blurry, I just kept on walking and enjoyed the game. If he was there I am about 99% positive he saw me. We had to walk right passed his whole family. I don’t know what I thought was going to happen. That he would see me and get a hold of me. Somehow miss me and this epiphany would happen. It didn’t happen. But after that day I feel like it sort of set me free. Why? because I was no longer hiding from him. I am 200 times stronger than when we talked last, hell than when we ever talked. It felt good to know I was a lot less penetrable than I have ever been.
I am starting to come into a good place. My happiness isn’t the direct result of another person. And Damn it feels good. It’s as if the rain has stopped and I am starting to soak up the sunshine. I have made leaps and bounds. Honestly, an exercise routine, furthering my degree, and moving to a new city to further my degree. They are all great life changes and I could not be happier.
Song of the day: A Sunday Kind of Love By: Etta James.