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Do any of us really come to a point where we are completely at peace with ourselves? Or do you have to be a Shaman in a distant land to really experience that. The past interweaves into our future so much more than I every really thought it did.

I am at this point where I am teetering on caring and not caring for someone, it’s so hard to be at the breaking point. It’s like your in a race and almost near the finish line but can’t quite seem to make it there. I undoubtedly was in love with the last person I was with, I struggled for an entire year trying to decide whether to let go or hold on. Now I am at this point where I need to let go and I think I really have for the most part but than there are those days where your mind can’t help but wander thinking about the “what if’s”.

I may be running into him next weekend. Ironically, our brothers play on rivaling rugby teams and they are set to play each other next weekend. Am I ready for that? The awkward run in. Pretending like we don’t exist to each other. I honestly don’t know. If I go am I going to be right back where I started? If I don’t go am I going to be always regretting not going? I mean what do I want, him to see me and miss me? And me be the person to deny him? What is the sense in that. What if I am not strong enough to or what if he doesn’t and I end up contacting him. There are so many what if scenario’s.

Part of me thinks I should just show up to prove this doesn’t matter to me anymore. I have been avoiding situations where he would be for to long. How agonizing to even thing about this. Can’t we just press a button and be over someone. Never have to worry about those sticky feelings again. He is just like quick sand and I don’t want to get lost again.