I still seem to be struggling daily with not talking to my ex. I have to bury the urge to reach out to him and see if he still cares. I bury everything, every minute, of every day, till at some point throughout the day it over flows. The dam that was holding everything inside gives out and I am picking up the phone considering dialing his number. I am not quite sure how I gain my composure but I do. I put the phone down and I go back to pretending every-things alright.
I don’t even know what I would say. “Hi you’ve left me for the thousandth time?” I could always forgive him, but he could never forgive me. He couldn’t forgive me for things I had done years before I knew him. He couldn’t forgive me for people I’ve kissed, and indiscretions I have made. I would beat myself up over that. I wish I could have re-wrote that past so that he wasn’t insecure about it. I carried this guilt with me constantly over things that no one would feel guilty for.
I guess I just want to know he still cares about me and that there is no one else. It’s selfish to want that but even though we are apart, I couldn’t handle him dating someone new already.
Have you ever heard it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them? I really hope that isn’t true. I don’t have months to spend on getting over him. I feel so trapped here, ya know most of the places my friends go out to there is a 85% chance I will see him. So I avoid it all together. I won’t go to a place if I think he is going to be there, and I honestly don’t want to live like that anymore.
I just don’t want to crumble if we run into each other. Face to Face having to have this awkward, forced, polite conversation. Because I just know us being in the same place my eyes will always gravitate to him. When I leave I will be thinking about how I should have stayed. It just wont help me to get over him.
I really just need that desperately, to be over him. I just keep telling myself that it will never work. He prides himself in never being the one to come back and that I have always reached out to him first. Like it is some game. I just can’t be the person this time. I just want out of this all together. So I hope the bad times keep replaying in my mind and the good times get buried. I hope I can ignore the
loneliness and the wanting of companionship. I want to be in control of my feelings and know that my day isn’t going to be ruined by his words or actions.
I just wan’t to be whole again. I just wan’t to be able to breathe again.