Happiness is hard when you have a broken heart, I can tell you that much. Every day you wake up and as soon as you open your eyes the heaviness weighs in on you. That disoriented feeling when you first wake up, your heart doesn’t hurt, you can breathe easy, and your mind hasn’t started running a million miles a minute..That’s what I look forward to. I am hoping that one day I am going to wake up and that pain will stay away for more than a few seconds.
Everyone always says that you will move on. It will take time but eventually you won’t want that person anymore. I have been living with this heartbreak for almost a year, but I know it’s because we would start then stop, start then stop, up and then down, good and bad, I actually got used to the sound of my own heart shattering every time he decided to leave. I wanted so much to be happy and happy with him that I thought all of the agonizing pain was worth the few days I was happy, that we were happy.
Time and time again I would crawl back to him. I knew he didn’t value my feelings or my time but I knew enough begging and trying he would want to talk again. And by talking I mean make me feel like a worthless piece of crap every word he would say.
So here we are now. Two weeks out and we haven’t talked. Let me tell you that I have felt every minute of us not talking, every second I am fighting inch for inch not to run to the phone and dial his number. It isn’t easy. I wish I could tell you this is the longest we have gone without talking but unfortunately it’s not. I have made it three weeks before I caved and decided to talk to him. He never caves. He never has been the one who has wanted me back. God that’s sad. It’s even sadder to see it in writing.
Why today is it exceptionally harder than most? Well my good fortune allowed us to run into each other at one of the most unlikely places. I saw all of his friends, and my friend saw him. Needless to say I made a run for the door, I don’t think he knew I was there. I guess that just bothers me that he is probably completely oblivious that we were in the same place and I was fully aware. That we have to be complete strangers now. It just hurts like hell. Maybe you’re wondering why I didn’t stay and go up and say hi, and honestly it was because as soon as she said he was there the room was spinning and I had to get out. He was so mean to me the last time we spoke and I just panicked.
I guess regardless if he saw me or did not, it didn’t make him want to contact me. I just have to realize that just because you feel so strongly for someone, doesn’t mean they feel the same way about you. Just because I am still in love doesn’t mean that he is. It’s heartbreaking to me that whatever magic we had he doesn’t feel it anymore. That his day is infinitely better with me not being part of it. You might be saying that’s not necessarily true. Well yes it is, he told me he was happier without me in his life. He always told me the blunt truth. Almost as if he enjoyed taking a hammer and smashing my heart into one trillion pieces. There was some joy in knowing that I was so helplessly in love with him that no matter what he said I would always want him. Either that or maybe it was the only way for him to get away from me. Maybe he couldn’t say no every time I came back, and he didn’t want me to try to come back this time.
I don’t know. All I know is every day is a struggle to pretend like I don’t want to be with him. It’s a struggle to try to be happy when I have a splinter in my heart. I just want to be able to be happy on my own. I want to be whole on my own, I don’t want that one portion of my heart to be empty and yearn for something that inevitably destroyed me.
I just need to be strong. I need to keep fighting every day and get over this. I am taking baby steps and I just hope it pays off. I saw him. I fought every urge in my body to call him after that. In order for me to be happy I need to learn how to be happy with myself first.
I just hope I can put the pieces back together fast.